And finally, the 4th installment on building resilience each day. I bet you’re curious of why the delay? To sum up, I got a bit distracted by other responsibilities and challenges. I still have a hard time juggling all the things I’d like to be doing. But here we are now, so…
Speaking of curiosity, how does curiosity relate to a resilient life and leadership? Previously I shared 3 other behaviors that build resilience: Be Calm, Be Confident, and Be Connected. Being Curious is an extension and product of Being Connected, but its so important, I think it deserves its own place.
At the heart of curiosity is humility. Pride, the opposite of humility, reinforces our biases and quickly concludes that we already “know”, or that we’re right, or we’ve got it under control and we don’t need help. Humility causes us to say we have a limited perspective, others have insights, and there is always more to learn. I wonder how often leaders assume they know what is going on with those they lead and end up exhausted trying to solve a problem that they have misidentified.
The people who are the most resilient are those who keep growing personally, emotionally, relationally. And its really impossible to keep growing in those ways if you stop learning. The soul and the mind atrophy, and with it, our resolve and ability to handle the challenges of life. Curiosity is the antidote to atrophy.
Curiosity also builds our connections with others – especially when combined with empathy. When we care about others, it happens most powerfully through empathic connection. We experience that we feel what they feel. When that happens, there is resonance, and that resonance increases the resilience of others, and ourselves, to keep going. On a team, it gets multiplied for everyone.
In simple terms, just think of how a personal conversation with a friend can lift you during a rough time. Their empathy connected with you. Through humility they slowed down to really hear you. They asked you questions without judgement and listened. And you left the conversation somehow strengthened, even though the circumstances hadn’t changed. In a sense, courage was poured in to you. You became more resilient. And so did the person that gifted you their attention, their time, and their compassion. While they were giving, they too were growing, not diminishing.
Being curious with empathy is a game changer for yourself and everyone you lead. If there really is a superpower, this might be it. As I look back on my own life and leadership, I wish I’d been more humble, curious, and empathetic. I can only guess how much it would have changed my reaction to people and given them more in return.
I’m trying to develop in this area with a pocketful of simple, ready to use questions. They take some time to apply, especially if you’re not used to it, so practice these in everyday conversations with family and friends. The more you use them, the more you’ll feel comfortable saying them to sound like you. More importantly, the better you’ll connect with others and you’ll build resilience in them, and yourself:
First, try to say back to them what they’ve said to you, without adding interpretation or projecting how they are feeling. Something like, “wow, let me make sure I get it. It sounds like X and Y have happened, and now you’re _____? Am I getting that right?
Let them respond and correct or amplify what they’ve told you to discover if you got it. You might add: “so tell me more”, or “help me understand this better”.
And then some follow up questions if they haven’t been answered already, especially in a situation where you are the leader and you are working through an issue with someone that reports to you.
o What is the outcome you are hoping for?
o What does help look like for you?
o What are you afraid of (or anxious, concerned about) in this situation?
Whether using these questions, or many others, the main issue is to be curious. And curiosity ultimately comes from a humble and caring heart, that says I don’t have the whole picture, I care about this person, and I want to hear from them to feel and understand where they are in this. When that happens, finding solutions together can be so much more clear, and supportive.